Bangkok Glutton

I have been writing on this blog since 2010. I guess that makes me a longtime food blogger, even though I have yet to make money from my blog. All the same, the cumulative knowledge earned from 10+ years of blogging would suggest that I know how to get eyeballs to my website. This is very much not true.

Considering how long I have been blogging, very few people actually read my blog. This means that either I am a very stubborn person, or very good at denial, or both. All of which is to say that only recently have I learned how to win “engagement” with my audience. It’s to make them really, really mad with trash opinions that will create controversy.

I learned this, of course, from a guy named Elon Musk, who appears to write trash opinions on Twitter for a living. This, of course, keeps his name in the news, and his website in the news. It doesn’t matter that much of that news is negative and/or mean; the only thing that matters in this brave new world is that people are talking about you (see: Ye, Ted Cruz).

Which is all a roundabout way of saying that TasteAtlas (no, I will not link to it) is the Elon Musk of food opinions. If you do not understand what I mean by this, let me put it another way: their opinions are trash. I know that this is what they want me (and you as well) to think, and even more importantly, to say and write. I hate that I have fallen into their very cleverly laid trap. The truth is, when their completely arbitrary and strange lists of “world’s best cuisines” and “world’s best dishes” initially made little splashes on the news, I steered away from them, recognizing them for the attention trolls that they are. I recognized this from seeing that they put Romanian food at number four on the “world’s best cuisines” list, before Mexican food, and that they made Polish pierogis number three on the “world’s best traditional food” list while placing satay and tonkatsu at the bottom. “What a troll,” I thought, before clicking onto the more important business of playing my Redecor app. But here I am, talking about it (finally! I know they have been waiting) because I now realize what it is that they were trying to do: teach me how to be a professional troll, the Yoda to my Luke of learning the great art of Elon Muskery.

So here it is, a list of trash opinions. They are (mostly) about food, of course. And, unlike, I suspect, TasteAtlas, these are my truly, sincerely held opinions. Make of them what you will.

• The Japanese have ruined both steak and whisky. Steak is supposed to taste like beef. Wagyu beef is 1. more of an exercise in texture; 2. impossible to enjoy for more than a few bites, even with the addition of freshly grated wasabi, and 3. should be cooked to medium at the very rarest, in order to activate the fat. When it is cooked medium-rare, it is simply an overfatty slab of beef. As for their whisky, yes, it is too smooth. I like mine smelling like tires on fire and burning your throat as it goes down. This way, I can remind myself that I am alive.
• Sweet pickles are an abomination against God. I’m sorry. I know there are uses for them. But when I get a sandwich with a pickle on the side, and then bite into said pickle to discover that it is sweet, I want to throw the entire plate out the window. Don’t psyche me out like that. It is cruel, and a war crime.
• “Catch and Release” is a great movie, and perfectly cast.
• When Asian restaurants make hamburgers, they are always too high. You are supposed to be able to fit it into your mouth. Why are you piling a million things on top of each other like you are playing edible Jenga? I do not want to have to eat my hamburger in two horizontal halves. That is not the point of a hamburger.
• Alternatively, never order nam prik or gang som from a Thai restaurant abroad unless you are absolutely sure of the kitchen. Just believe me on this one.
• Japanese rolls that involve tempura flakes and/or mayonnaise are horrible and should be served in restaurants that specialize only in these kinds of rolls, so that you can know for sure where to avoid.
• I’ve heard respected critics say that The Cup is a silly restaurant. No offense, but that restaurant isn’t meant for them. It’s not even meant for me. It’s a restaurant for rich Thai people who went to boarding school in England and miss the food they had at that time, but with some Thai flair.
• Tom yum should not have coconut milk in it. Don’t even get me started on cow milk or evaporated milk. The addition of milk changes the entire flavor profile. It makes it into an entirely different dish. So name it something else! Just don’t call it tom yum, which an astringent, tangy, bracing, herbalicious soup, not sweet, creamy, or unctuous.
• Out of all the stupid decisions that the show runners made on “Game of Thrones”, the dumbest was the decision to add a character named Talisa who would be Robb Stark’s love match. Robb Stark married a girl he had sex with because he did not want her to have a bastard baby, because he saw how his own mother treated Jon, who was supposedly a bastard. He did not want to create another Jon. So the fact that the Red Wedding happened is because of Catelyn Stark’s own shitty actions and karma, not because Robb fell in love with some random chick. (Also, George R.R. Martin will never finish the series. Let’s stop pretending that this will happen.)
• Mieng kum is erroneously referred to online as a Northern Thai dish. The truth is that the dish as we know it today is about as Northern Thai as I am Miss Argentina. Yes, it was first presented by Dhara Devi at Rama V’s court, featuring pickled mieng leaves. That dish is not the dish that we are presented with today, featuring wild betel leaves and an assortment of ingredients that can be placed into your leaf (helpfully folded into a cup) that includes smoked coconut, peanuts and dried shrimp, before being topped with a savory-sweet dipping sauce. This dish, with the flavors and ingredients that I just mentioned? It’s a Central Thai dish. You will find it at Central Thai restaurants. And if you see it in a restaurant in Northern Thailand, it’s a dead giveaway that the owners of that restaurant are Central Thai.

Now, here’s a bonus opinion on mieng kum: I prefer mieng ka na. The leaves are sturdier and there is usually the addition of some deep-fried pork skin, which is delicious in any iteration. My favorite in Bangkok is sold at Klang Soi (12, 1 Sukhumvit 49/9 Alley,  02 391 4988, BTS: Phrom Phong) which is on the grounds of the Klang Soi Racquet Club. It’s close to another personal favorite, Lert Ros, which has a cool Thai diner-y vibe, but Klang Soi’s food is better (their gaeng nuea, or beef green curry, is the closest that I’ve found in taste to my husband’s family’s green curry, which is delicious.) If I have time on my own, I try to head over there, order a deep-fried toast with minced pork on top (with cucumber ajad of course), and tuck into a mieng ka na before deciding on the rest of my lunch (they have good daily specials). Try it, it’s fun. And, yet another bonus opinion: eating alone is better because you don’t have to share.

I had every intention of writing about something else this week, but I admit, I have fallen under the thrall of not one, but two obsessions. One is the saga known simply as “Olivia Wilde’s salad dressing”. Oh, you don’t know what I’m talking about? Don’t worry, this link has you covered. Or maybe you’d prefer this one. What’s that, too long? Maybe you prefer this one or this one. Honestly, anything that even hints at a very special salad dressing — no matter how simple — will catch my attention, because I fancy myself a great salad maker. Really. I don’t throw that word around cavalierly when it comes to describing myself. I am very good at salad dressings. When I’m feeling lazy (which is most of the time), I just mix it up in the bowl. Occasionally, I will stretch myself and make a real dressing in a separate container. They are both good. I’ll use whatever ingredients come to hand, but I prefer tart flavors. You can put almost anything into a salad dressing and it will taste good. The secret is: salt. Also, that old rule of thumb where you add two tablespoons of oil for every one tablespoon of vinegar is garbage. It’s more like half and half. Ultimately, like all other cooking, it’s all about intuition and feel. I make a lot of salads. And a good hand with the salt fixes most mistakes.

All of the stories about this particular salad dressing pumped me up enough to go to the grocery store in order to search out a nice pungent bunch of wild arugula (endive is far too expensive in Thailand) in order to whip out a correspondingly sturdy mustard vinaigrette. But that’s when my second recent obsession took over. And that obsession is all about canned sardines.

I guess it started when I went to Paris this past summer, and our hotel ended up being next to a shop devoted entirely to sardines. Unsure of which types of sardines I would enjoy, I ended up buying a random selection of them.

I initially bought these with the intention of simply plopping them on top of a toasted slice of good sourdough, but then my culinary ambitions — stunted as they usually are — took over, courtesy of Olivia Wilde’s salad dressing. Inspired by a recent meal I had at Err, I decided to instead make a yum of canned sardines, or yum pla krapong (not to be confused with seabass, which has a similar name). For my purposes, I chose this can:

Traditionally, not so salad-y, I decided to mix it in with a lot of leafy romaine and a tomato. I made a standard lime-fish sauce yum dressing and added a whole lot of lime leaves, slivered, from the garden, a handful of Thai shallots, and a handful of sliced bird’s eye chilies. I julienned some lemongrass bulbs left over from a recent Sansa salad (very good, if you like salads). And I mixed it all together for my lunch.

It was good, satisfying most of what I had been craving. But then I wondered if the traditional version of this “salad” was what I had been wanting all along. So the very next day, I went back to the grocery store specifically to buy the canned sardine that all Thais say must be used for this dish.

This fish is meatier than the French stuff, and obviously not as tart. I also made sure to use a “good quality” fish sauce, to echo Nora Ephron’s (Olivia Wilde’s, if you don’t like to read links) suggestion of using “good quality” red wine vinegar for her dressing. Ultimately, this dish is meant to be eaten with a good hot bowl of rice, just like Thais intended it.

Yum pla krapong (serves 2, or 1 if it’s me)

• 1 can of sardines of whatever persuasion
• 10-20 lime leaves, the spines taken out and the leaves julienned (I like as many as possible, so that my yum resembles a squashed green sea urchin)
• A handful of Thai shallots (or one medium-sized banana shallot), sliced thinly
• 10-20 Thai chilies (bird’s eye or goat peppers), sliced
• 3 lemongrass bulbs, sliced
• The juice of one lime
• 2 Tbsps of good quality fish sauce like this
• 1 pinch of MSG (optional. My housekeeper insists this is the magic ingredient)

Mix well together and taste to adjust seasonings to your liking. Add in some torn sturdy lettuce leaves like romaine and a sliced tomato if you like. Serve with some good hot Thai rice on the side to soak up all that chili.

It’s satisfying.

For whatever reason, I don’t really go to Dusit to even sightsee, much less eat (unless it’s to Krua Apsorn). I don’t really know why that is — Dusit is, after all, a picturesque part of town, as Bangkok’s administrative hub; it has a lot of pretty temples and of course there is the Dusit Palace Park. The only excuse I have for it not really crossing my radar is that I’m not a government official.

Luckily for me, Adam of @otr.offtherails invited me to a mini-food crawl in the neighborhood, and, since I knew almost nothing about where or what to eat there, I was only too happy to tag along. He asked me to meet at a vendor called Hor Mok Mae Boonma, who of course sells the steamed coconutty mousse to a hungry queue of diners daily.

If I had to choose my top three Thai food dishes, I would definitely put hor mok somewhere up there, and the other two would change periodically, depending on my mood. I’m used to the seafood kind, but Mae Boonma isn’t satisfied with just making seafood versions; she does a scrumptious pork hor mok alongside her catfish and pla grai (a type of freshwater fish). Each of the three versions take their turns getting ladled into their banana leaf cups and spending a few minutes in the steamer before they are snapped up by whoever is next in line. Surprisingly, for Thai customers, no one is picky; any version goes quickly, and when you’re extra hungry, tod mun pla made from the freshwater fish is also available.

But one of my top three Thai dishes (OK, I’ll admit it, it’s the top) wasn’t all that Dusit had to offer. Passing along the way to our next destination, we saw a vendor selling pancake-like “kanom babin”, which I’d never seen before. Turns out, it’s modeled after a Chinese snack, and is made of black sticky rice and coconut, and not taro like we’d originally surmised. In any case, it’s delicious when hot off the griddle and cut into little squares: slightly crunchy on the outside, oozy on the inside, and only slightly sweet.

All the same, it wasn’t our original destination. No, that was the large, two-story restaurant that turned my head on the way to Mae Boonma: Gaeng Pa Sriyan, considered a culinary institution for all things that have to do with jungle curry. You can make do with the usual, like beef or chicken or fish cake, or you can splash out with your freaky self and opt for frog, snail or wild boar. Whichever you choose, it is guaranteed to be delicious, because who calls themselves a “jungle curry specialist” if they can’t back that up?

Now, jungle curry heads are a weird bunch. There’s nothing there to distract you, not like with my beloved hor mok. There’s no soothing coconut milk to mitigate anything, no jiggly texture with which to delight the eye or the palate. It’s full on, undiluted SPICE, with a few herbs (added to amp up that spice), veg, and whatever meat you have on hand to get in the way of the spice, occasionally. You’re fishing galangal out of your maw, you’re getting holy basil in your teeth. You are definitely, most certainly, going to feel some pain. But that’s what jungle curry heads love about this dish, the deep forested-ness of it all. It’s a deep-seated form of masochism, posing as Bourdainesque adventurism. Not to say I disagree; after all, I am a Pittsburgh Steelers fan.

That masochism is multiplied xx times once you get to dessert. If you go with the flow and order what everyone else is ordering, you are presented with three generous scoops of durian ice cream over sticky rice. Now, I’ve had plenty of durian ice cream, and it just gives off a whiff of “eau de cologne” durian, as opposed to the more concentrated “extrait de parfum” durian. Here, it tastes like you are actually having a full-on durian pod stuck on your face, and you are in some sort of Saw movie trying to eat your way out of it before the guy across the table does it and you end up dying. What I’m trying to say is, this ice cream is extreme durian realness, and I’m sad to say it’s all beyond my admittedly limited abilities. I’m happy with eau de cologne.

When I go again (because I am definitely going again), I will branch out into more of the non-jungle curry offerings on the menu. Get the stir-fried catfish in curry paste, like everybody else in the building. Maybe get the shrimp paste chili dip. And definitely, definitely ordering the ice cream “ruam mit” (mixed coconut milk) instead of the durian.