Everyone posts lists ranking random items in the hope of fanning enough controversy that their bad opinions become viral (see: TasteAtlas). Yet, even though I am mostly immune to bad culinary hot takes (see again: TasteAtlas), I could not help but scan the list of “50 Worst Songs Ever” compiled by something called Blender Magazine. And of course, I was outraged.
First off, let’s clarify: these are clearly not the worst songs ever, because any song I haven’t heard already and have to look up obviously doesn’t count. This brings me to the next point. A lot of songs considered “worst” are songs that people are simply sick of, because they’ve spent a lot of time in the dentist’s office or sitting around in Emporium or whatever. After all, why else paint talented artists like Whitney Houston (“The Greatest Love of All”), Paul McCartney (and Stevie Wonder!) (“Ebony and Ivory”), the Beatles (?!) (“Ob-la-di, ob-la-da”), Celine Dion (“My Heart Will Go On”), Mr. Mister (“Broken Wings”) and Corey Hart (“Sunglasses at Night”, come on the vocals) with a “worst of all time” brush? Why not save it for people who clearly do not have a musical bone in their body, or had temporarily lost control over their faculties (namely, hearing)? Where is LMFAO on this list? Where is “Mambo no. 5”, a cursed song if there ever was one? Not even “Macarena?”
Which brings us to the champ, undisputed still, even more than 30 (?!) years after its release. I’m talking, of course, about “We Built This City” by Starship. Blender called it “a real reflection of what practically killed rock music in the ’80s”, which is actually a critique of the band selling out, not of the song; meanwhile, Grace Slick herself called it “awful” which is pretty slick (ha) considering how she was the one pushing for money for retirement before 50 (which I understand, so why be hypocritical). But Blender isn’t the only tastemaker extraordinaire piling on the song: Rolling Stone called it the worst song of the 1980s (also a really big take, considering all of the great candidates there are (hello late stage Kiss)). Music critic Greg Haymes called it self-congratulatory and pompous, proclaiming itself to be “real rock and roll”, yet so “corporate and bland production-wise that it argues against itself” (again, more of an indictment of the band, not the song, and extremely rich considering we now have Coldplay. Where is Coldplay on this list???) The “worst ness” of this song continues to capture the public imagination, with a recent Mental Floss piece on the song’s change in critical fortunes.
The point is, everyone is happy to pile on to this song, which I never really liked in the first place, but believe gets unfair hate simply because other people hate it. Even one of the singers hates it, even though it did end up funding her retirement. I don’t like that. It feels like bullying the weird new kid in school; there are no stakes here, except for the weird new kid of course. No one is willing to go out on a limb with their actual real opinion on things. No one is willing to say, “I don’t really have any opinion of the weird new kid. The actual worst is Mr. Patton, the sixth grade teacher.” There’s a taste cowardice that’s become weirdly prevalent in society, probably because of social media (how many people write “When can we wear skinny jeans again”, not realizing that, if they have them in their closet, they can just put them on?)
So I’ll come up with my own hot take. I’ll put myself out on a limb. Here it is. Laotian khao soi is better than Thai khao soi. There, I’ve said it.
I don’t know why Thai khao soi has the name it has. But I do know why Laotian khao soi does. It basically means “cut rice”, referring to the hand-cut rice noodles. Its sauce is a pork-and-tomato stew, reminiscent of the beloved bolognese of my childhood. It also reminds me of the “Thai spaghetti” that my dad would make for us from time to time, a dish that’s actually called “kanom jeen nam ngiew” and which I’ve written about probably too many times on this blog.
Like nam ngiew, Laotian khao soi has a deep umami thump from fermented soybeans that kind of mimics the umami you get from Parmesan cheese in bolognese and is deeply, deeply satisfying. I have yet to have a bad bowl of this stuff. That is not the same case for Thai khao soi, which can be cloyingly sweet and/or bland if placed in the wrong hands (this is why I don’t trust a lot of khao soi chains in Bangkok, no matter how much they try to make it look like ramen).
There’s a great bowl at Pasaniyom in Luang Prabang, but my favorite remains “Serious Khao Soy” (previously named “Raan Pho-Khao Soi Nang Tho”), also in Luang Prabang. Alas, I still can’t find a bowl of Laotian khao soi in Bangkok (I checked, calling all the Laotian restaurants recommended by Google Maps). I think Laotian khao soi is where kanom jeen nam ngiew used to be when I first moved to Bangkok in 1995. I just have to wait 30 years until I can find a bowl, it seems.
Until then, here’s a list of the 10 actual worst songs (that I have heard):
- “Mambo No 5”, Lou Bega (1999 cover)
- “Party Rock”, LMFAO
- “Macarena”, Los Del Rio
- “A Sky Full of Stars”, Coldplay
- “Memories”, Maroon 5
- “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”, Deep Blue Something (also on other lists, it really is bad)
- “Glamorous”, by Fergie
- “I Wanna Love You”, by Akon
- “The Hardest Ever”, by Will.i.am
- Benson Boone
